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- Kire

DreidelBlade

As the Sdyor family doesn't practice organized religion, because obviously we've gotten it right and don't need to practice anymore, we have a tendency to treat all religious practices with a bit of scepticism and a whole lot of heresy.  Not being content with making a mockery of Christian Doctrine we've apparently moved onto one of the other major faiths.

James (Age 10): "Who's in.  We're playing dreidel."
Mom: "Where'd you get a dreidel?"
James: "A girl at school gave me one.  She also taught me how to play."
Dad: "I'm in.  What do we do."
James: "I think you're supposed to have two dreidel and you spin them for the best score."
Olympia (Age 14): "Nice.  It's like Beyblade.  We should build a stadium."
James: "The symbols on the dreidel are Hebrew numbers and the highest number wins."
Mom: "What did I roll?"
James: "I think that's a two."
Dad: "What's this?"
James: "You rolled a two as well."
Mom: "That can only mean one thing.  A dreidel off!"
James: "I rolled a four."
Olympia: "I rolled a two as well.  I think your playing with a loaded dreidel!"
James: "Why would I cheat at a game with religious significance!"
Olympia: "You cheat at everything.  All I wanted was a little dreidel battle and a nice Kosher meal and this is what it turns into."
Mom: "This is not a Kosher meal.  We're eating bacon pizza.  I think your being a little dramatic."
Olympia: "Drama is the right of the Jewish American Princess."
Mom: "Your not Jewish."
Olympia: "Don't try to lay your Jewish mother guilt on me."  
Mom: "We're not Jewish."
Dad: "Your acting like schmucks."
James: "Oy Vay."

You can learn how to actually play dreidel here: http://www.myjewishlearning.com/holidays/Jewish_Holidays/Hanukkah/At_Home/Dreidel/How_To_Play.shtml
You can learn about Jewish guilt here: http://www.torah.org/features/spirfocus/guilt.html

I Am The Worrier

If you're truly blessed your children don't have a worry in the world. You would also have to live in an underground bunker and be the only person your child has ever come in contact with. Even then I think they'd worry about why you were the only two people on the earth.

Every child worries to some extent. Some worry about the test they have to take in school. Others are concerned that their parents will find out about the test they took at school and the subsequent bad grade they received. There are those that fret that their elderly grandparents will pass soon or that if they go to a parade a clown will approach them. Normal kid stuff.

Then there are the true worriers. Those that are almost catatonic thinking about asteroids hitting the earth. Gripped with fear over nuclear holocaust. Completely freaked out over clowns. How can they let clowns in parades? I mean really.

Mom: "I've got Pop Tarts for breakfast."
James (Age 10): "No thank you."
Mom: "Your turning down Pop Tarts.  Are you feeling sick?"
James: "No.  I don't feel good about those Pop Tarts. They worry me. What time is my game on Saturday?"
Mom: "Ten thirty. It's a ten minute ride."
James: "We need to leave by nine. I don't want to be late. We could hit traffic or road construction."
Mom: "I think that's a little soon to worry about that now."
James: "It may not matter. There's a giant asteroid hurtling towards earth and the Mayan calendar ends Friday."
Mom: "Any other cheery thoughts this morning?"
James: "I'm concerned about the Zombie Acropolis."
Mom: "I didn't even know they had zombies in the Acropolis."
James: "I meant apocalypse. The CDC is training people now and we haven't even signed up yet."
Mom: "I think that was meant as a joke."
James: "What kind of sick person would joke about zombies, asteroids, or Pop Tarts?

you can find the zombie prepareadness guide @ http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm
you can see the orbit of 4179 Toutitas @ http://www.space.com/18828-3-mile-long-asteroid-to-fly-by-earth-see-the-orbit.html
you can get your own damn Pop Tarts.

Firestarter

The term pyrokinesis was coined by the author Stephen King in his novel Firestarter. The word is derived from the Greek pûr meaning "fire" and kinesis meaning "motion". This of course makes no sense since telekinesis is the ability to move things from afar using your mind. The word created should have been "telepyro", which of course is not half as much fun as saying "pyrokinesis". The myth that there are people who can start fires with their mind has been around for centuries and shouldn't be confused with pyromancy or spontaneous combustion, two other really cool words that were coined by people other than Stephen King. 

Mom: "Your going to school!  I don't want to hear another word about it!  Your not sick!.  Your just tired, and I'm tired of hearing about it!"
Olympia (Age 14): "Youuu donnn't understaaand.  I donnn't feel welll and I cannn't go to schoool."
Mom: "Go sit on the couch.  Do not turn that TV on, do not pick up your iPod, do not text anyone.  Just sit there and stare out the window at the day passing you by."
Olympia: "Whaaat....everrrr."
crink crink crack crin hmmmm....
Mom: "Kire!  I think the printer is on fire!"
Dad: "Move!  I killed the power at the surge protector.  What did you touch now? "
crink crink crack crin hmmmm....
Dad: "I don't smell smoke.  The printer isn't even plugged in.  What is that noise?"
crink crink crack crin hmmmm....
Mom: "Oh my God!  The telephone pole in front of the house is on fire!"
Dad: "Call 911!  The capacitor on the transformer is burning out.  We're gonna lose power.  For once you didn't start the fire."
Mom: "....Yes, thank you.  The Fire Department is on the way and thanks for blaming me."
Dad: "Well, you have a track record of destroying things that run on electricity."
Mom: "Why do we still have power?"
Dad: "It hasn't burned through the power line yet.  Olympia, did you see this?"
Olympia: "Look, I was just doing what you told me!  Sitting on the couch, staring out the window at the telephone pole!  Don't blame me!"
Dad: "Whose blaming you?"
Olympia: "Can I just watch TV?"
Mom: "The power is going to go out any second."
Olympia: "No it isn't.  It isn't that big a fire.  Look, it's already putting itself out.  Where's the TV remote?"
Dad: "Maybe...we should just...leave her alone for a...little while."
Mom: "I'm liking the way you think.  I'm going to go change out of these pajamas into something less flammable."

It's a Waiting Game

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are those that rise in the morning, get washed up, dressed, sit down to a nutritious breakfast, and rush off to meet the day. Then there are those for whom the mere task of pulling back the bed covers is a Herculean effort and opening their eyes is a process that takes longer than boiling an egg.

Dad: "Get up."
Olympia (Age 14): "O.K."
Dad: "Why aren't you up?"
Olympia: "I am up."
Dad: "Laying in bed with your eyes closed does not say up to me."
Olympia: "Where's Mom? Why are you here?"
Dad: "I let your mother sleep late. Get up."
Olympia: "Fine."
Dad: "Why are you taking half the blankets with you? There is nothing having to do with getting out the door that takes place in the living room. Are you seriously going to sit here and turn on the TV? Get up and get dressed".
Olympia: "I will. In another four minutes. I have a system. I'm never late."
Dad: "That's because we're always yelling at you to hurry up, your brother packs your lunch for you, your mother finds your jacket and shoes, you eat a granola bar on the bus and I get text messages from your mother about how insane you make her."
Olympia: "A good system gets everyone involved. My system works perfectly. Now can you move out of the way, my shows on for the next three minutes."

Get the Lead Out

High speed chases make for great TV but in more cases than not end up injuring innocent bystanders and causing quite a bit of property damage. Police in many states have a policy of not engaging in high speed chases and instead employ tools such as spike strips, which sounds like a dangerous Chinese food dish, but in fact are metal coils draped over the road that blow out tires.  In some cases law enforcement will attempt to immobilize the car by the old fashion method of crashing into it. If done correctly by tapping the rear corner of the speeding vehicle with the police cars front bumper the offending vehicle will spin out of control. That's obviously a dangerous maneuver and not usually attempted in congested areas.  

James (Age 10): "Come on Grandma. You're driving too slow."
Dad: "I'm driving a little bit over the speed limit. Exactly how fast do you want me to go?"
James: "Get out in the last lane and pass everyone. Mom would. That's why we call her Lead Foot Annie."
Dad: "Your mother can also smile at the nice police officer when she gets pulled over and get off with a warning. When I smile the fine just gets bigger."
James: "So don't pull over. Just keep going. You got a big truck. How are they gonna make you pull over?"
Dad: "I don't see myself being involved in a high speed chase."
James: "That's why we call you Pussy Foot Sdyor."
Dad: "Excuse me?"
James: "I want to be in a high speed chase. I just don't want to be the cause of it."

Psyched

Wikipedia, the repository for all knowledge in the universe, states that the word psychic comes from the Greek word psychikos, meaning "of the mind."  They go on to say a psychic "is a person who claims to have an ability to perceive information hidden from the normal senses through extrasensory perception (ESP), or who is said by others to have such abilities."  Since based on this definition anyone who can makes other believe they're psychic are in fact psychic that means that there are potentially a lot of psychics running around.

James (Age 10): "Remember when I turned four."
Dad: "Yeah, I was there."
James: "I really didn't want to.  I cried for the whole week before."
Dad: "I don't recall that."
James: "I suffered in silence.  That's just my way.  In the end though it turned out well, since then I got physic powers."
Dad: "I'm sorry?  Did you say psychic powers?"
James: "Yeah.  Ever since I turned four I know when the doorbell is going to ring, who's on the phone, and what time the bus is coming by."
Dad: "I'm sure that there are real explanations if in fact you know those things."
Olympia (Age 14): "This is all fascinating but we need to leave if we're going to make the movie on time."
James: "We're not going to see that movie.  It's terrible."
Olympia: "How do you know?"
James: "Hello.  I'm psychic."

It's Raining, It's Pouring

I rise early and I'm out of the house before anyone else thinks of waking.  I fly off to my Fortress of Solitude to start the day, write what needs to be written, plan what tall building I'm going to leap and wait for the first child to call and ask to be driven to school.

Olympia: "Why do these parents put their kids in plastic bubbles?"
Dad: "Metaphorically speaking?"
Olympia: "No.  Actual plastic bubbles.  Look, they go over the tops of the carriages like a giant umbrella."
Dad: "I spent your whole childhood yelling at you to take plastic bags off your head.  Why you'd encapsulate a child in one is beyond me.  I think it sets a bad precedent"
Olympia: "It doesn't seem safe.  It's just a little rain."
Dad: "We let your shoes and pant legs get wet all the time as kids and I'm pretty sure your not too traumatized."
Olympia: "No.  I can even take a shower without screaming and everything."
Dad: "Then remind me again why you can't wait for the bus in the rain?"

Ay Yai Eye

If you have children it's imperative that you have a good Pediatrician. In this ever competitive world of health care costs vs. care, a good doctor for your children is one of your best defenses against problems, both physical and mental. The Sdyor children have been lucky enough to have the same doctor going on twenty years. While having this long term relationship with your health care professional is wonderful, it does allow the old adage with familiarity breeds contempt to begin to show itself. A good doctor has the bedside manner to counter even as tough a personality as James (Age 10).

James: "Hey dude."
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "Did you just refer to me as dude?"
James: "Yeah.  How you been?"
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "Are you getting shots today 'cause if so, I'm gonna give'm to you myself.  None of this let the nurse do it thing."
James: "Man, I hate shots.  OW!  You got me so revved up about needles that I slapped myself in the eye!"
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "Nurse Ratchet, bring me the biggest syringe we have."
James: "Dude, I mean Doc, can't we talk this over like old friends."
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "Cover one eye and read the third line on the chart on the wall."

James: "Can't you see I've just blinded myself.  I'm gonna need a minute here.  Whoa!"
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "I guess your eye sight is coming back."
James: "That is one big needle man!"
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "That is one big needle...Doctor."

Christmas Carded

Christmas cards have been around since the eighteen hundreds. They have been a boon to stationary manufacturers. The first acknowledged Christmas card has a family, including small children, drinking wine. This was considered controversial.  Which is perfectly understandable.  Nothing worse than a child working ten hours a day in a garment factory coming home and boozing.  At the end of the twentieth century portrait studios realized that the family Christmas photo could be turned into a Christmas card. People everywhere were thrilled to receive that photo of your family dressed in matching holiday sweaters, poising awkwardly and smiling like serial killers. Nowadays, with the advent of digital cameras and color printers, you can create your own card. Families everywhere do this with varying degrees of success. Maybe everybody should take their cue from the first Christmas card.  A simple gathering of family and a good stiff drink.

Olympia (Age 14): "I'm getting my camera and we're taking Christmas card pictures."
Dad: "I don't think so.  Your mother doesn't believe in wasting stamps."
Olympia: "Look at all the cards we've gotten already this year.  We are way cuter than most of these families."
Dad: "I don't think a Christmas card is a best looking contest."
Olympia: "Haven't you learned anything? Everything is a best looking contest. Now put down your wine and change into nice clothes. On second thought you take the camera."

You Should Be Dancing...Yeah?

The modern U.S. Interstate Highway System was, and is, one of the greatest public works projects in history. President Eisenhower signed into law the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956 as a way of standardizing all highways. Since the act became a reality the United States has become a nation on the paved road. Unfortunately the system is so crowded with cars and trucks that actually shutting down the highways to repair them is an impossibility.  

Ann: "You are the worst driver.  We're all over the road."
Kire: "The highway is dancing."
Ann: "That's not funny."
Kire: "Yes it is.  Just because you didn't laugh out loud, you know you laughed internally."
Ann: "Get out of the breakdown lane!"
Kire: "This is the way the road is going.  They're working on lane four and are using the breakdown lane as a traffic lane."
Ann: "You almost hit the guardrail.  It's not funny that your trying to kill us."
Kire: "It's not my fault the guardrail is bent and sticks out into the lane."
Ann: "Why are you swerving?"
Kire: Because when the highway is dancing you've got to dance with it!"

Po(ke) Check

As I may have mentioned before the Sdyor family is extremely religious. Our chosen religion is hockey. We spend most weeknights and weekends either at the rink or in some form of travel to and from a rink. When we are not actively participating in hockey we are watching it. College, AHL, and NHL. Only this year the NHL has been in a lock out that has stopped all hockey operations. Perhaps you are one of the 3% of Americans who watch hockey and noticed. No?

Dad: "The NHL needs to start playing soon.  These guys are starting to self destruct.  It says here a Detroit Red Wings draft pick was picked up on drunk driving charges."

Olympia (Age 14): "Who was he?  Let me see.  Wow, they say it was super drunk driving charges.  What do you need to do, be pulled over wearing a red cape and leotards?"

Dad: "Actually it says he was dressed as a Telletubbie."

Olympia: "Shut the front door!  Which Telletubbie?"

Dad: "How do I know which Telletubbie?  I didn't even realize they had names."

Olympia: "Let me see.  Oh kid, really?  He was dressed as Tinky Winky.  That is so wrong.  If your gonna go all super drunk you've got to dress as Po.  Not Laa Laa, not Dispy, and most definitely not Tinky Winky.  This is the kind of thing that could make the NHL look bad."

Dad: "I think the owners and players union have making the NHL look bad all taken care of."

Olympia: "They should all just dress up as Telletubbies, get super drunk and fight it out.  My monies on Po."

Now There's A Hole In the Sky

Do you remember the late 1980's?  Everything was high.  Interest rates, divorce rates, and hair styles to name a few.  In fact teenage girls hair was so high the ozone layer began to decay.  Aerosol cans became evil and were replaced by those little spritz bottles of hairspray.  While this helped the environment it destroyed any chance of teenage girls getting anywhere on time.  The constant need to manually spray also brought on trigger finger, very similar to the one that is now caused by too much computer mouse clicking.  Big hair is coming back and the new low VOC aerosol cans are saving not only the ozone layer but teenage girls hands everywhere.  Their hair styling time has yet to get back to 1980's levels.

Kire: "That girl spends more time doing her hair than anyone I have ever met."
Ann: "When I was a teenager it was no different."
Kire: "She needs like a 12 step program for getting off hair products."
Ann: "At least she doesn't do like we did as teenagers and water down the hair spray."
Kire: "You watered down hairspray?"
Ann: "No.  We watered down our parents vodka, but the concept is the same."

Deck The What?

It's time once again for that favorite of pagan rituals, decorating the Christmas tree.  Alright, I know that Christmas is a Christian holiday but bringing evergreens into your home during the winter solstice is a pagan tradition.  The theory was that even though everything else decayed in the winter the conifers stayed green and therefore must have magical powers.  Decorating the tree came from the Romans who hung metal replicas of the fertility god Bacchus on trees in hopes that spring would return.  Bacchus was also the god of wine and intoxication.  I recommend a box of wine to get through tree trimming.  That way you won't run out.  Unless you can turn water into wine, in which case Happy Birthday.

James (Age 10): "Deck the Halls with Balls of Holly."
Olympia (Age 14): "That's Boughs of Holly."
James: "That's what I said.  Deck my balls with lots of holly.  Fa La.. that would hurt a lot."
Olympia: "It's Boughs of Holly!"  It's an evergreen branch!"
James: "So they want you to decorate the Christmas tree with more trees?  Who writes this stuff?"
Olympia: "It's not deck the tree, it's deck the halls."
James: "Deck my balls their really jolly Fa AH!"
Olympia: "If you don't stop I'm going to deck you.  I'll rip out your earrings, put in decoration hooks and hang you from the tree."
James: "As long as you don't make me the star at the top.  That would smart."

All Tied Up

No matter what age you are, there are times when you need your parents.  There's a lot of situations to negotiate in life and having the guidance of an adult who has your best interests at heart is a bonus.  If your lucky, you'll gain sage advise throughout those interactions that you can then pass on to your own children.  That way you can screw them up as badly as your parents screwed you up.

James (Age 10): "I need my dad to tie my skates."
Coach: "I'll tie them for you."
James: "No.  I really need my dad.  I need to criticize the way he does it."
Coach: "Why don't I just go get him."
James: "I think that'd be best."

Come Together

If you have the opportunity to put your child on a school bus I highly recommend it.  Riding on the big yellow germ machine is one of the most important moments of the day.  It's there that children from all grades and backgrounds experience the same sights and sounds.  Discussing what they see.  Without parental oversight.  It's truly where they learn about the world around them.

James (Age 10): "We saw this car accident on the bus today.  One of the cars back end was crushed and the hood of the other car was all demented."
Mom: "I think you mean deformed."
James: "No, it was pretty weird looking.  The two people were standing in front of the cars talking.   We figured they knew each other."
Mom: "I doubt that."
James: "Well at the very least they were closer than they were before."