Hail to the Chief of Trivia

If your planning a trip to a new city with the family I highly recommend having them get some apps for their iPods that allow them to access data about the city, neighborhood or landmark you may visit.  The Sdyor family downloaded an app years ago we call James (Age 10).

James: "Did you know Marine One is the name of the President's helicopter?"
Mom: "I didn't."
James: "Did you know Benjamin Franklin used to like to walk around naked every morning."
Mom: "I'm not sure that's true."
James: "Can you believe George Washington never lived in the White House."

Dad: "That's interesting."

James:  "I would love to live in the White House.  It has three kitchens, thirty five bathrooms, a bowling alley, foosball, and a hot tub."
Olympia (Age 14): "Are we talking about the White House or the Playboy Mansion."
James: "Franklin would have loved the Playboy Mansion.  Do you know he used to like to walk around naked every morning?"

Designer Drop Out

Here in the U.S. we spent last week being thankful for what we have followed by rushing to the stores to get more stuff that we probably don't need.  Alas, the Sdyor family was guilty of this as well.  Maybe this week as you make room for more stuff that you'll receive over the holidays you'll remember those who have less.  Perhaps you'll give clothes and toys to charity, help serve holiday meals to those less fortunate or donate what you can in cash or time to a philanthropic organization.  The small part you play over the holidays could really help someone in need. Unfortunately there will always be some that choose to not live by what our society considers normal and will live life on their own terms.

Ann: "Did you pull my Lancome samples out of the trash?"
Kire: "I don't even know what a Lancome is but I know I haven't pulled anything out of the trash.  Why?"
Ann: "I cleaned out my makeup bag and tossed a lot of stuff.  Some of it was back on the bathroom counter."
Kire: "Could be you just didn't throw it all in the barrel."
Ann: "No, it's much more likely that your daughter is now picking through the trash and taking out things she wants."
Kire: "You guys have been watching too much Extreme Penny Pincher's."
Ann: "You don't understand.  She really needs to stop messing with things that aren't hers."
Kire: "Maybe she has a future pushing a carriage full of her stuff around."
Ann: "I can see her now.  The bag lady who lives behind the dumpster at Nordstrom's.  Wearing one blue Jimmy Choo and one yellow Prada, a Dolce & Gabbana dress, makeup that makes her look like a clown, pulling all her worldly possessions around in a Tumi on wheels."  
Kire: "Your right about one thing.  I don't understand.  I don't understand teenagers.  I don't understand women.  I don't understand bag ladies.  For that matter I don't understand you.  Are you even speaking English right now?  What's a Prada Choo Choo?"

The Color of Money... and Stains

As I may have mentioned before, my wife Ann believes in manners.  Strongly believes in manners.  I mean, if Ms. Manners was a vigilante who went around and broke kneecaps of those who don't have social graces, you'd begin to understand how much she believes in manners.  Although I've failed to master the most basic skills, such as not talking with my mouth full or grabbing food across the table, she has taught me to put a napkin on my lap.  Although all this does is catch the food coming out of my mouth as I'm talking after it runs down my shirt.  The Sdyor children are a work in progress...

Mom: "James, wipe the ketchup off your face."
James (Age 10): "I'm saving it for later."
Mom: "Wipe.  Not with your sleeve!"
James: "I couldn't find my napkin."
Mom: "It's like I'm buying you $20 dollar napkins to wear!"
James: "It's convenient.  Besides, $20 is nothing.  When I'm rich and famous I'll light my cigars with $100 shirts."

Shades of Gray Friday

For reasons I don't completely understand the Sdyor children talked me into getting up early and participating in that new American holiday tradition, Black Friday.  With small sums of money burning holes in their pockets we hit the mall.  I had notions of them buying thoughtful gifts for their mother while she lay tucked comfortably in bed.  When am I going to learn that I have no clue what is going on...

Olympia (Age 14) : "Is that a helicopter I hear?"

James (Age 10): "No, that's the roar of Black Friday!"

Brady (Age 20): "If I've got to smack an old lady up to get the last 32" T.V. I will."

Olympia: "You don't need a T.V."

Brady: "I know.  I just want to get in a brawl over the last bargain somewhere."

Olympia: "I just tripped over a roll of Justin Beeber Christmas wrapping paper."

Dad: "That so wrong on so many levels."

James: "Check out this wooden bowling ball."

Dad: "Stop throwing that.  It's a mannequin's head."

James: "I want that snap back hat at Lids."

Brady: "I want to go to the men's department at Macy's."

Olympia: "Best Buy has the camera I want."

Dad: "Wasn't the purpose of us getting up early to shop for the people on your Christmas lists?"

Brady: "No, I'm here to shop for me."

Olympia: "I'll do my shopping for everyone else next month.  I'm spending my birthday money today."

James: "Dad, we only shop for ourselves two times a year.  On Black Friday and any other time we go shopping."

what feels like days later...

Brady: "I've seen no real bargains, or brawls."  

James: "Shopping is stupid.  All you do is walk around and look at stuff."

Olympia: "I'm kind of disappointed. I wanted to see women fighting with ninja swords in the aisles.  Maybe we should have gone to Target." 

Brady: "All Black Friday has done is make me tired, hungry, and feel poor."

Dad: "Yeah, but I did get that sweet deal on DVD's."

Olympia: "I thought you said we shouldn't shop for ourselves."

Dad: "I know but I was starting to feel left out."

Who's Afraid of the Little Bad Wolf?

Children grow up too fast.  Some take the car before they get their license.  Others try underage drinking.  A few kill their Uncles and briefly become King of Denmark.  Whatever they try to do in order to act like adults is based on their notion of what it takes to be an adult.  Unfortunately these days that image seems to be coming from trash TV, hip hop music lyrics, and possibly 
old Tex Avery cartoons.

James (Age 10): "Brady I need your social security number."
Brady (Age 20): "Faking a passport?"
James: "No.  I want to set up an eHarmony account."
Brady: "Why don't you use your own social security number?"
James: "Um, because I'm ten.  I need to use all your personal information to set up the account."
Brady: "Do you think I need a dating service?"
James: "It's not for you.  It's for me.  That way I can meet older women on-line."
Brady: "I can't condone this."
James: "How about we just go to a strip club."
Brady: "You need to stop.  Besides your not old enough to take to a place like that."
James: "How about you take me for my twenty first birthday."
Brady: "I'll be like thirty one.  I suppose at that point I could take you, I mean if my wife let's me."
James: "You don't even have a girlfriend and your future wife is already telling you where you can go?"
Brady: "Your right.  Screw that.  We'll make it rain in that club."
James: "Nice.  Now I know your social starts with a zero, you finish it for me."

Just Act Normal and You Won't Get Caught

Wikipedia, the repository for all knowledge in the universe, states that "more than 1 in 100 adults in the United States are in prison. The United States has less than 5% of the world's population and 23% of the world's prison population."  Those are staggering numbers.  Don't get me wrong, some people need to be locked up for a good long time but we have created a culture of fear that feeds the prison system.  Instead of changing how we deal as a society with petty crime we have instead privatized jails and incentivized court systems to be less lenient with it's citizens.  

What's next?  If you have criminal tendencies you'll be locked up?  Fill out this questionnaire when you go to vote or renew your license.  If you score high enough on the new Pusser/Earp criminal attitude test you could be hauled off right then and there...

Ann: "It's pouring out.  I can barely see the road."
Kire: "I can't believe the Sheriff's Department still has prisoners cleaning the side of the highway in this rain."
Ann: "Today is not a good day to be prisoner."
Kire: "When exactly is there a good day to be incarcerated?"
Ann: "The day you get out of jail.  It's a criminals own fault.  They shouldn't have got caught."
Kire: "Don't you mean they shouldn't have committed a crime?"
Ann: "Sure.  We'll go with your statement."

The Best Day is The Last Day

You ever have one of those great days where the weather is just perfect, everything goes your way and your pretty sure the hand of God is guiding you? When a day like that comes around you don't question it. When it happens the balloon of wonderfulness that surrounds you is very thin. It only takes one little prick to pop it...

Mom: "I love this song. I haven't heard it in so long. That's like the third great song in a row. Why are they playing such great music today?"
James (Age 10): "It's the end of the world. They want to play all the great songs one more time before the earth is destroyed."
Mom: "Aren't you just a ray of friggin sunshine."

Driving the Country

Right now, as I'm writing this, sore losers in twenty different U.S. states are attempting to take their ball and go home.  Of course they share their home with millions of other Americans who have no desire or intention to secede from the union.  Meanwhile, a new Lincoln bio-pic has been released in theaters.  The new film chronicles the last months of the 16th President in office and what it took for one man with a silly hat to repair a fractured nation.  "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."  Let's remember what makes America great.  Fifty separate states, "one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

James (Age 10): "I'm amazed that you don't have to show your drivers license at the toll booth."
Dad: "Why would we?"
James: "In Europe you need to go through a checkpoint and show your information.  Like if you drove from Italy to France."
Dad: "Those are two different countries.  Here we have states."
James: "But they're right next to each other.  Why don't they just make a country?"
Dad: "That's easier said than done.  Even the fifty states in this country have trouble agreeing on things."
James: "Then why do we need a passport to go from New York to Canada?"
Dad: "Because Canada is another country."
James: "Is New York another country?"
Dad: "Some Red Sox fans think so, but no.  New York is part of the U.S."
James: "Why don't we just make Canada part of the United States?"
Dad: "I don't think they want to be part of the U.S."
James: "Oh, like Texas."
Dad: "No, Texas is part of the U.S."
James: "Then why are they always talking about that border crossing problem in Texas?"

The Bottom Line

You ever watch one of those reality television shows where the person won't throw anything away or eats gourmet food from dumpsters or pays for college using only change that has been found in couches?  I always thought that these were fabricated stories created to make good TV, good being subjective.  Recently I've been feeling these stories might just be exaggerated but have basis in reality, like folk tales or stories told on Fox News.  Could be we are creating a culture of hording, cheapskates through television.  Of course it could also be a sign of the times...

Olympia (Age 14): "The food here is so good.  I'm coming back soon for the breakfast buffet and just asking for a to-go box afterwards."
Dad: "I don't think they allow doggie bags at buffets.  Kind of defeats the whole purpose.  You could line your jacket pockets with plastic bags and shove food in them to take home like crazy people do."
Olympia: "Don't be ridiculous.  You line your pocket book.  It holds much more."

The Lockdown

There are a great many things I can think of that need to be locked up. Cars, guns, and lobbyists come to mind. The Sdyor house has now added hair care products to that list. What's that you say? Why would we need to lock up our hairspray and sundries? Well faithful reader you shouldn't need to. I don't personally need to, being folliclly challenged. My wife Ann on the other hand has an assortment of creams and lotions from the far flung corners of the earth which must be put under high security. Think frankincense and myrrh. These high end hair upkeep products are under constant threat of theft from that international hair stylist, listed on both Interpol and Cosmopolitan Magazine's top ten most wanted, known by her nom de plume, Le Curl. Her modus operandi includes using unsuspecting men to help her carry out her daring burglaries.

Olympia (Age 14): "It's ridiculous.  I don't use her hairspray.  There is no need to lock it all up, and in a tool box no less."
Dad: "Obviously you do and she does."
James (Age 10): "Did you see the lock.  It's a word combination lock.  Too bad I don't need anything out of there, I'd figure out the combination."
Olympia: "Just for fun you could figure it out and tell me."
James: "I'm not sure Mom would want that."
Olympia: "It's a five letter word.  It's got to be something Mom likes."
James: "I got it. BEERS!"
Dad: "Now we need a lock for the fridge."

Throwing in the Towel From the Hands-Free Dispenser

What age do kids start using microscopes in science?  I think that, as much as anything, began my fear of germs.  Minuscule fiends that have us coughing, sneezing, and worse all winter.  No amount of hand sanitizer, vitamin C, or full containment suits will protect you from their microscopic embrace.  Especially if you have kids...

Dad: "James, go put your drink back on the table.  You don't bring your drink into the bathroom with you."
James  (Age 10): "It's fine.  People bring their beer into the bathroom all the time at the Bruins game."
Dad: "Yes and it's gross.  There are all kinds of germs that could get on your glass."
James: "Don't be ridiculous.  The drink sits on top of the toilet."
Dad: "I don't even know how to argue about this with you."
James: "Hey, you gotta take care of your beer."
Dad: "I'm glad your learning these valuable life lessons."
James: "Always observing.  Always learning."
Dad: "Make sure you wash your hands."
James: "I didn't touch anything."

Commerce Drives the Nation

Recently the Sdyor family visited Washington D.C. We did the obligatory tourist things like visit several of the Smithsonians, including the most popular attractions such as the Air and Space Museum and the Zoo.  There was a flurry of construction activity throughout the city. It seemed as if all of the shovel ready projects begun during this fiscal recovery were begun within five miles of the White House. Roads and infrastructure were torn up all over the place and new buildings were going up, even as old buildings were being torn down. Of course not all that glitters is gold and you could see signs of our current economic crisis in our nations capital. The Washington Monument, which had been damaged in last years earthquake, was still off limits to tourists. The streets were lined with the disenfranchised who may not have been without homes but were definitely without hope. Even the National Mall, one of the most well known green spaces in the world, was brown and grassless. Never ones to keep quite, the Sdyor's made their dissatisfaction known.

Olympia (Age 14): "I was really disappointed with how many exhibits at the Smithsonian were closed down for repair. Heck, one whole museum was off limits. Did they really need to start all these projects at the same time?"
James (Age 10): "I was really sad to see how many animals at the zoo weren't there anymore. It was like they stopped paying them and they quit."
Dad: "I thought it was awful that you didn't feel safe walking outside the main area of the capital. There were people everywhere just sitting on walls and staring at you."
Mom: "I was quite depressed when I found out that the National Mall wasn't really a mall. I didn't buy one pair of shoes the whole trip."