Like Christmas

You've waited all year for it to happen.  You've counted down the days on the calendar.  Your heart beats faster with anticipation at just the thought of it.  Unfortunately, not everyone shares your enthusiasm...  


James (Age 9): "I was so excited for the first day of school today I couldn't sleep last night.  Everytime I closed my eyes, they reopened on their own.  Has that ever happened to you?"
Olympia (Age 13): "No.  No it hasn't.  One, I'm not excited for the first day of school and two, I'm not an alien."

A Gory Story

They say every picture tells a story.  It used to be you made a photo album of your vacation or road trip.  The youth of today seem just as likely to get a tattoo everywhere they go.  That way later they can tell the story behind the tattoo...

Brady (Age 19): "I'm thinking of getting a new tattoo when I go out to California."
Dad: "Do you need to get one every time you go somewhere?"
Brady: "You just don't understand."
Dad: "Your gonna end up like the Illustrated Man.  Does there have to be a tattoo for every story?"
Brady: "No, not at all.  Some stories are boring but others are epic.  It doesn't always need to be tattoo.  Like someday I'd like to wake up in a bathtub full of ice missing an organ."
Dad: "What would possess you to want that to happen?"
Brady: "It would be a great story to tell at parties and then you could show everyone the scar."
Dad: "Suddenly the tattoos don't seem like that bad a thing."

Constructive Criticism

We all have dreams of what our children will do with their lives. Maybe become doctors, lawyers or captains of industry.  They could design famous buildings or invent the next technological breakthrough.  Some kids show an early interest in things that you hope will take them down these paths to greatness.  Others, not so much...

Mom: "I've had enough of the fighting.  Go to your room and do something constructive."
James (Age 9): "Is that the one where you tear things down and break them?"
Mom: "No, that's destructive."
James: "Oh, that's the one I do well."

Lament for the Rooster

In television and movies couples retire for the evening together, share the bathroom in their pressed pajamas and have just the right amount of blankets so the matching bed skirt still shows.  This may in fact happen with young professionals with no children who take the train together to their similar jobs in the city.  Reality for most of us is something completely different...

Kire: "I'm exhausted.  I am going to bed right after the kids."
Ann: "I still have laundry to do and I want to watch that show at ten."
Kire: "Alright.  Goodnight."
several hours later...
Ann: "Wake up."
Kire: "What's wrong?"
Ann: "Set the alarm."
Kire: "You woke me up to set the alarm.  You aren't even in bed.  Why couldn't you set the alarm?"
Ann: "I hate setting the alarm.  I always put it on PM when it should be AM."
Kire: "I don't even need to get up tomorrow.  You do and your awake, but you still have woken me up to set the alarm."
Ann: "Yes, so get up and set the alarm for six."
Kire: "NO!  Set the alarm yourself!  Give me back the blankets!  Do not push me out of the OW!"
Ann: "Now your out of bed.  Set the alarm.  Then turn off the light.  Oh, and don't forget to set it for AM."

Rather Brothers Than Others

If you have a curious child the questions come fast and your answers better as well.  The frightening part is that your child doesn't always choose you to dole out the answers.  Hopefully the person they choose is of the same mindset as you.  If they choose an older sibling, you also get to see if they were listening years before when you explained it all to them...

Brady (Age 19): "Talk to me when you have hair under your armpits."
James (Age 9): "You mean puberty?"
Brady: "Do you even understand what that is?"
James: "Yeah, that's when you get hair all over your body.  Even the inappropriate places."
Brady: "That's part of it."
James: "Do just boys get puberty or do girls too?"
Brady: "Girls hit puberty as well."
James: "How old are they usually?"
Brady: "Between twelve and fifteen."
James: "Do the girls get hair all over their body?"
Brady: "Sure."
James: "Do they have hairy butts too?"
Brady: "The unlucky ones do."

Night of the Bat

There is no greater display of manly manliness than a father fighting against nature to save the lives of his family.  I've seen it in the movies plenty of times.  It usually involves running along a narrow rope bridge to escape a wild grizzly bear while carrying a child on your back or fighting a pack of wolves with a sharpened stick while all the while your feet are slipping into a narrow ravine moments before a volcano erupts.  I've been training for this my whole life, so when the time came I was mentally prepared...

Mom: "You need to go upstairs and get rid of the bat."
Dad: "Who saw a bat?"
Brady (Age 19): "I just went upstairs and it's flying around."
Dad: "So why didn't YOU get rid of it."
Brady: "I'm not going up there.  The friggin' thing is flying around."
Dad: "Brady, go upstairs and get your brother and sister down here.  Ann, go get rid of the bat."
Ann: "Yeah, right."
Dad: "This clearly falls under the category of Household Responsibilities!"
Mom: "No, this clearly falls under the category of 'Dad, Go Kill That Bat'!"
Olympia (Age 13): "Is there a fire?"
Mom: "No, there's a bat!"
Olympia: "Where?"
Brady: "Flying around upstairs.  It was in your room."
Dad: "Olympia, go get rid of the bat."
Olympia: "Yeah, and have the thing get stuck in my hair.  Dream on."
James (Age 9): "Why am I awake?"
Olympia: "There's a bat upstairs!"
James: "Oh, I thought we were in a car accident."
Mom: "Small children in my bed.  Dad, go get rid of the bat."
Olympia: "It could have rabies.  Put a blanket over your head."
Mom: "Club it with a broom."
James: "Don't let it pee on my stuff."
Brady: "I'm sleeping in your bed with the door shut."
Dad: "Get out here grown ass man!  All we have to do is go upst,.....AAAHH!!!  The things flying at my head!  Go on the internet and find out how to get rid of a bat."
Brady: "This site says to catch it in a blanket.  This one says to catch it with your hands.  Here's one that says get a butterfly net.  This one says never to touch a bat with your hands.  This one says turn off the lights, open the window and wait."
Dad: "I like that plan.  I am excellent at waiting.  Better yet, we'll go back to bed.  I am even better at that."

To The Moon

Dinner in the Sdyor home always includes a spirited debate on a new, exciting topic.  Alright, I lied.  It's usually a big fight about the same things over and over again.  Are you happy now...

Dad: "All I said was that it needed to simmer for another twenty minutes or so!"
Mom: "You want it to simmer longer?  Put it back on the stove and eat later by yourself!"
Dad: "I'm not going to be dismissed from my own dinner table!"
Mom: "Your not gonna sit here and bad mouth my cooking after I've been in this kitchen for the last two hours!"
Dad: "See!  That's what I mean!  It should simmer for two and a half hours!"
Brady (Age 19): "You guys are like living with The Honeymooners."

James (Age 9): "Who are the honeymooners?  Did they live here before us?"

Think Globally, Play Locally

As the summer winds down, fall sports begin.  The Sdyor parents will gas up their taxis and drive at top speed throughout New England in an effort to get the right kid to the right field at the right time.  In a true testament to insanity, we will drive by the park not five hundred yards from the house, packed with families who have traveled from someplace else to do the same thing we are doing.  If I had known then what I know now, I would have moved next door to a hockey rink...

Brady (Age 19): "Must be a big game at the park.  Cars are parked up and down the street."

Olympia (Age 13): "You know what's a big sport at the park on weekends?"

James (Age 9): "Basketball?"

Olympia: "Nope."

Brady: "Tennis?"

Olympia: "No."

James: "Ultimate Fighting?"

Olympia: "No, soccer."

James: "It should be Ultimate Fighting."

Olympia: "I said popular at the park, not our kitchen." 

Monstruo

It's the first day of school!  What's that you say?  Kire, it's too early to go back to school.  Nonsense!  The beauty of the two hundred day school year is starting early, finishing late and not getting a vacation in February.  As my wife Ann and I spent last night planning how to improve our children's new school year compared to last year, we couldn't help but reminisce about the fun, joy, and brain eating pain last year brought.  There were a few left over stories I didn't get to tell.  Much like a onion past it's sell date, they are a little old.  Once you cut the rot out of them, they are good to tell...

James (Age 9): "Phone's ringing."

Mom: "So answer it."

James: "I can't.  It's the school."

Mom: "What did you do now."

James: "I can't imagine.  You should let the answering machine get it."

Mom: "Hello."

Principal Prosac: "Good afternoon Mrs. Sdyor.  I'm calling about James."

Mom: "What did he do now?"

PP: "Apparently he called the Spanish teacher a monster."

Mom: "That's a problem.  I have to ask, did he say it in Spanish?"

PP: "You know, that's a good question."

Another Brilliant Idea Crushed

Raising kids outside Boston allows them to root for some of the best teams in sports.  More than that, it allows them to appreciate the grandeur and splendor of a professional sports arena.  Before they ripped down the old Boston Garden we all got the chance to skate on the ice.  They've had several occasions to spend time in the new Fleet, Shawmut, TD Bank North Boston Garden Center, or whatever it's actually called.  They've stood on the bridge at Gillette Stadium and looked over one of the great new football fields in the country.  None of that compares to Fenway Park.  The oldest ballpark in Major League Baseball, built in 1912.  Home of the Green Monster, or to correctly state it, the Green Monstah!  To take in a Red Sox game on a warm night is one of the true treats of summer.  To hear the crack of the bat, to smell the hot dogs and popcorn, to have some drunk spill his beer down your back.  Since it costs as much as a mortgage payment for a family of five to take in a game, we don't get to do it often.  Then I had a brilliant idea.  We'll do the tour.  Get to walk through the whole ballpark.  I was so excited to run it past Ann...

Kire: "Why haven't we ever done the Fenway Park tour?"
Ann: "Because we're a shit show.  We can't take those children anywhere they have to listen or stay in a group.  Can you see them fist fighting and pushing each other down the metal stairs or leaving the group and having bat fights in the locker room?"
Kire: "OK.  No tour.  Coming right off the things to do list."

A Slip of the Tongue

I feel for those who speak in public on a daily basis.  We as a people rarely remember the positive things that are said.  Big speeches like Lincoln's Gettysburg Address or Kennedy's Inaugural Address of 1961 stand out, but no one remembers exactly what the local politician said about the budget shortfall or the police chief stated on TV about the growing violence rate.  Yet somehow, even people who don't know politics, know Dan Quayle couldn't spell potato.  On the small stage teachers are rarely remembered by students for their passionate talks on The Great Gatsby or their ten minute speech on the importance of understanding the periodic table.  Yet flub up a word while speaking to a class and they will talk about it for years to come...

Olympia (Age 13): "There was this time last year when the teacher meant to say Virginia and you know what she said instead?"
James (Age 9): "Titties?"

That's The Ticket

You know when you are hit in the head with a falling rock and awake to find not only a big lump on your noggin but also an idea that will change the world?  No?  Me either.  Usually it takes being hit in the head three or four times before I get a great idea and by then someone else has thought of it.  Today's great idea is for a claim check ticket for your smart phone where just handing over your car, coat, or kid and then tapping your phone on the counter gives you a virtual ticket to retrieve them.  Why do you need a virtual ticket, you say?  It's not like you ever going to lose the paper one...

Kire: "I lost the claim ticket."
Ann: "What does that mean?"
Kire: "It means I don't know where the claim ticket is."
Ann: "But what does that mean?"
Kire: "I guess it means our car can't be brought to us and we need to take the bus home."
Ann: "How can you lose a ticket someone handed you less than two hours ago?"
Kire: "There's a first time for everything."
Ann: "First time?  Let's review.  In the last year you've lost the ticket to the Turnpike which caused you to have to pay the maximum toll."
Kire: "It blew out the window."
Ann: "You misplaced the coat check ticket at the restaurant during a snow storm."
Kire: "It's not like they made us go out into the cold without our jackets.  Besides, I tipped her well."
Ann: "You were unable to find the ticket for the mall parking garage, held up the entire line of cars, and made us all get out of the truck so you could search under the seats.  I'm fairly certain mall security still plays back the tape of that when they need a good laugh."
Kire: "OK, that wasn't my most shining moment."
Ann: "Just go tell the valet which keys are yours."
moments later...
Kire: "I seem to have misplaced my valet slip."
Valet: "Oh, we don't use them.  Your name sir?"
Kire: "Sdyor."
Valet: "Your car will be up presently."
Kire: "See.  I knew I didn't lose it."
Ann: "Your an idiot."
Kire: "Yeah, but I'm your idiot."
Ann: "Lucky me."

The Naked Truth

Sigmund Freud first laid out the study of psycho-sexual development in his 1905 work Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality.  While many of his early concepts have been rejected, you cannot deny that children are not asexual beings, as was always believed prior to Freud.  If it was true then it is surely true now.  Kids are subjected these days to imagery in print, song and on television that make being asexual an impossibility...  

Mom: "The girl at the counter forgot to put the rest of her outfit on."
Olympia (Age 13): "What was she wearing?"
Mom: "White shorts that may have belonged to her little sister and a halter top.  She was half naked."
James (Age 9): "What was that about naked women?"
Mom: "We didn't say anything about naked women and this conversation does not involve you."
James: "I just wanted to make sure I didn't miss a naked woman."
Mom: "Do you spend a lot of time looking for naked women?"
James: "Yes and I have yet to see one.  That's why I don't want to miss it.  I'm just stating a fact.  Make sure you call me if one shows up."

There's a Frog in a Log in a Bog

When I was a child, back when they rode dinosaurs to school, there was a song that said 'there's a nit on a gnat, on a flea on a fly, on a hair on a wart, on a frog, in a log, in a bog, in the bottom of the lake.'  At the time I didn't know what a bog was.  Seemed like a great learning experience to take the kids on a bog tour.  Now that I've taken the tour, I'm sure I don't know what a bog is...

Dad: "We have options.  We can either go with the woman doing the insect tour or the older gentleman doing the plant tour."
Olympia (Age 13): "Let's go with the plant guy."
10 minutes later
Whoa!  It's way to hot to be out here with no shade.  How long did he just say the tour was?"
Dad: "He said his standard tour is four hours but this one will be much shorter."
3 hours later
Olympia: "He has talked non-stop for three hours.  We are in the middle of nowhere.  I have no idea how to get back.  If he does not shut up I'm going to walk off the path into the bog."
James (Age 9): "Weren't you listening.  If you walk off the boards you could sink into the bog and disappear."
Olympia: "That's sounds great.  As long as I sink over my ears!"

There But For the Grace of God Go I

Compassion for your fellow man.  If you can teach that to your children you will find yourself in good company.  At the local Italian feast last weekend, James (Age 9) showed not only love for his fellow man but a keen understanding of his place in the world...

James: "Do you have any more money?"
Dad: "What happened to the twenty dollars I gave you earlier?"
James: "I spent five bucks on this switchblade comb, eight dollars winning this Angry Birds stuffed animal, I pinned five bucks on the statue of the Saint, it's good luck you know, and I gave a homeless guy two bucks."
Dad: "Was the guy asking for money from a nine year old?"
James: "He may not have been homeless.  He may have just been drunk.  Either way he looked like he could use a couple of bucks."
Dad: "Did he at least say thank you?"
James: "He didn't say anything.  He was passed out under the slide at the park."
Dad: "What did you do, throw the money at him?"
James: "Don't be ridiculous.  It would blow away.  I tucked it under his leg."
Dad: "I would rather you stay away from strangers like that but I'm proud of you.  You have a big heart."
James: "Yeah.  Plus it was your money.  That makes it easier."

Coming Retractions

Best part of the movie?  Some say it's the building conflict.  Some prefer the thrilling climax.  In the Sdyor house, it's hands down the coming attractions.  I know, I know.  It's not really a part of the actual movie, although you wouldn't know it with all the previews they place on the DVD, which I believe last longer than the actual movie.

James (Age 9): "This preview is for War Horse.  I want to see this one.  It's a film by Stephen Strausberg."
Olympia (Age 13): "You mean Stephen Spielberg."
James: "That's what I said."  
Mom: "You want to see a movie about a horse?"
James: "It's a historical drama.  They're fascinating."
Olympia: "This is the robot boxing movie with Hugh Jackman.  It looks really good."
James: "You know, he's Stephen Strausberg's favorite actor."
Olympia: "Spielberg!"
James: "Geez, you act like you know the guy."  

Put a Contract Out on Your Contractor

I've always taught my children the importance of negotiation.  Everything is a deal to be made.  Want to watch TV?  You'll need you to clean the living room first.  Ice Cream after dinner? Sure, but the rubbish must taken out beforehand.  All my kids have learned this vital skill to one extent or another and strike a deal whenever possible.  None do it quite as well as James (Age 9).   I think he must read books on the side with titles like Tony Soprano's Guide to Negotiation or I'm the Don, and You Can Be Too.  James always makes you an offer you can't refuse...

James: "Dad, I wish to discuss my previously agreed upon chore."
Dad: "You mean moving those bricks?  Did you finish?"
James: "I have not yet completed the task. During our hasty previous negotiations we failed to agree upon a price."
Dad: "You want to get paid for this?"
James: "I feel this task requires some bucks."
Dad: "All right, I'll give you five dollars."
James: "I feel that is a very low offer.  There are many factors that cause this to be a difficult task.  First, there's quite a bit of grass around the bricks.  Two, the bricks are sunk into the ground.  Finally, they are quite heavy."
Dad: "So what were you thinking?"
James: "I'm thinking a buck a brick."
Dad: "That's quite a bit of money.  How about twenty five cents a pound."
James: "That has potential.  How many pounds would you estimate there are?"
Dad: "I'm think there's about ten pounds."
James: "So I could go as low as, say a buck a pound."
Dad: "I'd go as high as fifty cents a pound and we can call it ten pounds of bricks."
James: "I could make that deal.  Fifty cents a pound."
Dad: "Great, you'll make five dollars."
James: "Do not be hasty.  I will first need to take the scale and see how much a brick weighs.  I will then calculate how many bricks there are times the estimated weight."
Dad: "What if I just give you seven dollars right now to stop at the point you're at."
James: "I would be willing to stop this chore for ten bucks right now."
Dad: "Done!"
James: "I think you have made a wise decision."

Manlycure

If you want to believe the old nursery rhyme, little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.  Little boys are mostly held together by band aids and dirt.  This is especially true of James (Age 9).  So when he turned in his chipped nails and dirty hands for a more pampered look, I knew there had to be a story behind it...

James: "I got a manicure and a panicure today."
Dad: "So you got your nails and...hold on.  What's a panicure?"
James: "When they clean up your toe nails."
Dad: "That's a pedicure."
James: "Alright, so I got a manicure and a pedicure today."
Dad: "Why?"
James: "It looked like fun.  They wash your feet and everything.  Look at these fingers.  Did you know there's a white part at the bottom of your fingernails.  Feel how smooth my hands are."
Dad: "So did they put nail polish on them too?"
James: "Don't be ridiculous.  Just a clear coat.  What do you think, I'm a girl?"
Dad: "Not at all.  Plenty of men get manicures."
James: "Exactly.  MANicure.  Why don't men get manicures and ladies get womancures?"

A Walk for Knowledge

Questions and Answers.  Requests and Responses.  This is the best way for children to learn.  Having someone who will answer their never ending stream of questions honestly and correctly.  I wish I could be one of those people.  I think I may have been once, many children ago.

James (Age 9): "Do you know that I have a size 33 shoe in Europe?"
Dad: "How do you know that?"
James: "It says so on the inside flap of my sneaker."
Dad: "We're walking.  How are you reading the tongue of your sneaker?"
James: "It isn't easy.  So what happens over there.  Is gravity different?"
Dad: "Where?"
James: "In Europe.  I get on a plane in New Shinar, land in Paris and my feet get huge?"
Dad: "Just keep walking."
James: "Does everything get bigger, 'cause I've always wanted a big..."
Dad: "Silent Walk!  Silent Walk!"

That's A Lovely Dress You Have On Mrs. Sdyor

I'm sure that every Disney and Nickelodeon family show formula has a character labeled 'Eddie Haskell'.  For those uninitiated with him, Eddie Haskell was the friend on the 1950's show 'Leave it to Beaver', not to be confused with the direct to video pornographic film of the same name (Note: I don't really know if such a film exists, but it should).  Eddie was a con artist who poured on the charm around parents and was a trouble making instigator around his friends.  His name has entered the American Lexicon as someone who overtly flatters someone to lower their defenses so they may take advantage of them.  Every family should have an Eddie Haskell.

Brady (Age 19): "Nice.  Tic, Tac, Toe.  Can I play winner?"
James (Age 9): "We can play as soon as Mom and I are done."
Mom: "Whoa!  Who says your going to win.  We have had ten stalemates."
James: "That's because I love playing with you so much and don't want it to end.  Brady, when Mom and I play the name of the game should be changed to Hugs and Kisses."
Brady: "Oh...your good."

Thanks for the Mammaries

If you have a little girl you will have to face the harsh realization that she will become a woman.  Some father's realize this early on.  Some live in denial and continue to purchase Barbies for their twenty five year old daughters.  Either way it's going to happen and short of hormone depletion therapy (I hope that is not a real thing) they will blossom into womanhood.  You may wake up someday and just notice a big change in them but if they have brothers the change will be verbally documented and possibly televised.

Brady (Age 19): "Go back up those stairs and change!  You are not wearing a padded bra out of the house."
Olympia (Age 13): "It's not padded!"
James (Age 9): "I hope my man boobs grow in soon."

They Wouldn't Print It If It Wasn't True

Children are a sponge.  They go through their day absorbing all the information thrown at them.  Some kids can filter out the trivial items and focus on what's important.  Some, like James (Age 9), take it all in and give equal weight to all items.

James: "That's disappointing."
Mom: "What is?"
James: "Marc Anthony is suing J. Lo for custody of their kids after Casper Smart was found going to all night nudie bars."
Mom: "Where exactly do you get this information?"
James: "It's right here in this magazine."
Mom: "That doesn't make it true.  Especially not if it's in the magazines at the supermarket check out."
James: "It has to be true.  Why else would they spend all that money to print it."
Mom: "That's a really good question."